Diary of a Single and Lunatic 30 Something

My head is a fucking mess. I, in my whole 30 years of my life, must have thought of at least million different things to do and reasons to do them, then to not do it and then do it again.. Did I finally do it? I don't know. I don't even remember. And honestly I don't even care.

Yesterday, a friend of mine just came home for light chit-chat and we got to talking. We were touching up on lot of subjects, when we started talking about "what's generally happening in our lives." See, now I have a problem with the word generally. Not a problem. I bloody hate the word. It is not generally. It is never generally. The word has got its agendas and it gets what it bloody wants!

Since, I am between jobs and not yet married, my so-called "settled" friends think it is their moral duty and responsibility to focus on my "flaws" and find out what "generally" could be the problem.

And I figured the problem.
Maya: Did you get any leads on the job front?
Me: Nope
Maya: Where all you have applied?
Me: Lots of places.. here and there...
Maya: (getting a little annoyed) "Arrey, what does here and there mean ya??"
Me: (shooting a glare and taking a drag of the milds) HERE AND THERE!
Maya: I really don't know what you are trying to do with your life babe.. I swear. You are going to turn 30. You are not even thinking of marriage.. You think you will get this ideal job and ideal man who will put up with all your bullshit, your smoking, drinking and bra-burning sorta attitude. You are not living in the real world. This stage is called denial! I mean where do you come from???"
Me: (look at her with no reaction) "Where did you come from.. same place dude.."

Then, just when she was about to get up in utter frustration and leave, I took a big huge gulp from my beer bottle and made her sit. She was in no mood to listen to me. Trust me, I can be quite frustrating. But then I explained it to her. I don't know whether she understood. But then I did.

Maya got married when she was 23. Her parents found this good-looking, 7-figure income jackass who was "settled" in new jersey and who had a penthouse and some car and was ready to fuck it all away for a woman. Maya, the ever-happy-jovial-crack Maya, thought, "ah! here is a chance to prove that i am a good girl and not some chump" gets married. A lovely honeymoon in sadda "Switzerland" (duuh.. what were you thinking) and comes back with her pregnancy announcement on facebook!  ( why am i friends with her you ask? because she makes me feel i am perfect!)
But I honestly do not blame her. What's wrong if a girl wants a rich Madwadi guy settled in the US, who when goes to Scotland still drinks KF lager and not JD or a johnny walker. It is her damn choice. Till she knows what she wants, there is no problem at all. There was this just one problem.
The guy is a scum. Not because he doesn't appreciate scotch. But because there was a third person in the marriage. Maya cries, screams, hits, slaps then begs. Unrelenting Maya, comes back to India, saying she needs to be with her mom during her pregnancy. Little Sarah is 4 years old now. And Maya is still here, asking me what am I doing with my life.

People spend their lives planning. You plan all your life. You plan the birth of the child. You plan the first kiss. You plan your meetings, day's agendas. You plan your graduation speech. You plan your honeymoon. You plan how to spend your first paycheck. You plan what to do with your next weekend. You plan and plan and bloody plan. And what happens? See, this is not the usual crap, where I'll say "dude, live the day. Kya pata kal ho na ho!" *giggles* NO! Please!

You can't plan or decide or even live the day, if you bloody hell don't know what you want. I don't know what I want. Because everyday I want something else. It's hard to digest. I know. But thats the truth. And I think people are hypocrite when they say, "I can live with this forever," unless that "this" is change itself. I would love to live with change but I dont want change to change. HA HA! Crazy! But it is true people.

Today, I know I have no job. No money, no man and possibly I am out of smokes. But just to get these things I cannot haphazardly start doing something which I don't want to unless I am sure of it.

Pic by Dev

Maya, did not understand. I don't expect her to. I don't expect any of you to understand this. But when you turn back the pages of your life. You will notice, everyday of your life you wanted something that you did not want for the rest of your life and in a few cases had the mental trauma of living with it for the rest of your life. And you kept battling with yourself whether you want it, when it is clear you don't want it. Everyone has these doubts. The problem is very simple and extremely tough. You have to know what you want. How do you know what you want?

Look into yourself. I ain't giving you answers for everything buddy! See ya tomorrow! :*

This is just a day after I wrote about not being able to right. Correctly, the next day, my colleague and a good friend introduced me to a book - On Writing Well.

It talks about a lot of things, but most importantly the point that got me was where the author talks about clear writing. He said, uncluttered writing and uncluttered mind go hand in hand. I work and I live on my own, is it possible to clear your mind completely to write? Maybe professional writers have the discipline and they strive to get the equation correct but how do you manage to the strike the balance.

Anyway... I know there are not many following this blog :) but for a little ego boost, I am going to write more. Atleast one everyday. About one incident a day! Even if it is crappy and a non-topic!

:) all inspired

-- author!

It has been a long time that I wrote something and guess what I still don't want to write.. I want to read. 'Cuz I think I need to learn a lot more about writing before dumb-ly sitting here and writing a whole piece of crap....

So yea... not yet!

Coke

I ordered a coke. I turned the cap opened it and took a sip. It refreshed me

Trying to be dull

I just read a blog. It was good. So I am trying to copy it now

Bite In your Ass

There are times when you look back in time, and realise oh... I said this and then this happened. Is it linked? I believe in destiny... but is that so strong??

A week after writing, 'Romancing Life' gave up television career and joined Times of India. And there are other instances which is not that important to mention here... it is actually very important, but I don't want to mention it. I am actually scared to write about anything honestly. Not as much scared as apprehensive. I don't really know what I am saying here. But sometimes as I have said earlier, it is just such a relief to write. To just vent it out and this will not even talk back..

See you...

Romancing Life....

This is not an intellectual moment. This is a very personal and awaited second of my life, which is why I am penning it down so that I can remember it for the rest of my life, and also publishing it as I just want to.

This is the golden period of my life. Or so I like to think. There are still issues which I need to sort out in my personal as well as professional life, but it still feels as if the best time of my life.

I have not got this appreciation and this surge of ideation that I am going through right now. If you had known me a year ago (a lot of people who do that will read this.. so they know.. they would have found me sitting with a tea and smokes and then again tea and smoke and ‘n’ number of teas and smokes in the canteen or a small ‘chai’ shop and found me cribbing and abusing the system or someone in the system. And later in solitude, I would be cursing myself and crying or just fight with my guy and then cry and then blame it all on him... that’s the best part. Right now, it is not so.

I am laughing, I am happy, I am thinking, positively thinking about everything. Few weeks ago, trust me this was not the condition, I was, as I said earlier, grumpy with a tea and smoke! But everything changed in the meeting the other day with my seniors when they handed me over with a show called ‘Goodlife Mantra’. It was supposed to be a half an hour show and a daily one that too. It was revamped. And I was supposed to be producing the entire thing by myself. The revamped version was supposed to be an outdoor shoot with a new topic everyday!

Where would I find a new topic daily? Where would the guests come from? What will be the content for every new show? And what will be the format? OK one by one… no format was the mantra for Goodlife mantra; I decided not to block the show in any format. There will be no format and that was the format! And thereafter, after finding solution to the one problem everything fell in place. And after a month and a half of that meeting I have produced more than 30 shows and it was the highest trp generating show for the channel.

But that was not it; I had lot of issues while and when I was on location, when I was not on location. My anchor, my camera people, my assistant… you know the initial teething problems; and I prevailed over everything. Every small issue that came by was not that colossal any more. There was nothing bigger than the show and there will be nothing bigger than the show. Anchor was bad, but it became better, Loki had an issue but I knew I could not do it without him and I did’t have to because I made him stay back and he is the star now… and so on and so forth.

It is like, on a rainy day you are crossing a road. You have mud and splash all over your self. And then through that tedious and dirty journey you end up reaching a beautiful meadow… with green grass and a tree, and clear sky with sun shining high in the sky but it still be raining. And there is no dirt, no puddle, no mud, and no splash. And you'll be at the end of the world just enjoying the rain and thanking god that he (or whoever it is) gave you the opportunity. That is like romancing with life.

Just like a first date. Where you expect nothing, where you just give and receive, unconditionally. And that first eye contact, and that first touch and then the first kiss… yes. I kissed life! And it was wonderfully weird. Just so amazing!

And just like the first dates get over really soon, I know even this wont stay for a very long time, that’s exactly why I am writing this piece so that when tomorrow I don’t go through such a time, I may have something to remind me that life is not always the same and it will surprise you at some point and that’s why it is the best affair you can ever have. An affair with life! And just like every first thing that you do doesn’t remain first, I want myself to remember that this show was the first and all the subsequent ones can never be the so… 

While I finish writing this, I am crossing my fingers and hoping not to jinx whatever good is happening to me doesn’t get over too soon… so don’t jinx it and don’t read it too many times..
Regards!